Blackout

Mom: It’s lonely. It’s so lonely during a blackout.
Me: You wanna hang out?
Mom: Where?
Me: Here.
Mom: No. It’s hot in your room.
Me: The window’s open.
Mom: It’s just so lonely.
Me: Let’s hang out.
Mom: No. I’m going to bed.

Pizza, Pizza

Mom: *Rummaging through her bag* There was a meeting at work. We had pizza. Here. *Tosses pizza wrapped in foil at me*
Me: Awesome. Thanks.
Mom: There’s this, too. Here. *Throws another ball of foil at me* The stuff that goes with pizza. What’s that stuff that goes with pizza?
Me: More pizza?

Summer in the City/ Taking out the Trash

Mom: What are you watching?
Me: …It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Mom: Oh! I like that show!
Me: You do?!
Mom: *Watches tv for a few seconds*  Oh! No. I like that show with Betty White.
Me: Hot in Cleveland.

–

Me: Where’s the trash? Did you take it out?
Mom: No. I put it in my bedroom. I’m going to sleep with it tonight. What do you think I did with it?!

Talk Nerdy to Me

Mom: …so I told him, you’re good looking ’cause we have the same birthday. Hahaha.
Me: I know someone with your birthday.
Mom: Oh, really? Who?
Me: A chef. You know that thing in my room I have that’s signed from Dani from my graduation?
Mom: Yeah.
Me: Him. He has the same birthday as you.
Mom: Oh really?
Me: Yeah. He’s cute, too.
Mom: Oh. Of course.
Me: But he’s short. He’s SHORT!
Mom: That’s too bad.
Me: He’s also married.
Mom: I think a lot of chefs are. Even you. You know, they’re really nerds.
Me:  I’m not married! Wait- what? I said, “MAR-ried” not “nerdy”!
Mom: Oh. I said nerdy.
Me: Did you call me a nerd?!
Mom: Yeah. You’re like that.

Julia & Julia

Mom: [Friend], do you want a bowl?
Friend: Ughm, sure. That’d be good. :]
Mom: You need a big bowl? Here. *Hands [friend] a medium sized mixing bowl for her pho*
Friend: Oh, wow, that’s an old bowl.
Me: Yeah, I watch those old cooking shows sometimes and they’re using them. Like Julia Child type shows or something.
Friend: Yeah! You’re right!
Mom: Oh! Julia Child! 10 Things I Hate About You! I like her!
Me: No. Not Julia Stiles. Julia Child.
Mom: Who’s that?

Be cool

Me: [Holds up a bottle of champagne] Can I put this in the fridge?
Mom: Go ahead. You can go ahead and put yourself in there, too. I don’t care.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Mom: So you can be cooooool. [Does Fonzy thumbs]

Skype

Mom: I talked to the guy at SDG&E and he said out usage went up by 3 watts a night. I said, “Oh, it’s cause my favorite daughter leaves her tv on all night.”
Me:  I do not do that every night and I was really tired that one day I didn’t even know I did that!
Mom: Hahaha, he asked me how old you were and I said, “24. Yeah. She’s 24 and she leaves it on every night.”
Me: Oh. My. Gosh. That’s not even true. I can’t believe you! Why don’t you just show him my picture, too?!
Mom: Haha, I was gonna go on skype.

Even My Mother Thinks I’m Black

Mom: I’m gonna mop the floors tomorrow. I’m tired of looking at that black stuff on the floor. BLACK!
Me: *Points at mom* THAT black stuff!
Mom: *Points at me* THAT black GIRL!
Me: THAT black LADY! You’re rude!
Mom: I’m tired of looking at that black girl! I’m tired of looking at you! *Walks away*

Riddle Me This

Mom: You know Father [Name] forgot that we say a prayer before mass. He got ready to do mass and walked by us all on the way to the church and said, “Oh! I forgot! We have to say a prayer!”
Me: He’s a priest. How does a priest forget to pray?

One hour later…
Mom: You know Danny Devito- wait. Who is that girl? The girl Kris likes?
Me: Demi Lovato?
Mom: Yeah, Demi Lovato! She’s going to be on that home show. Hahaha…Danny Devito.

Update

Sis: [Fiancé's name] is coming over after his game and is gonna take a shower here.
Me: Okay.
Sis: Mom. [Fiancé's name] is coming over after his game and is gonna take a shower here.
Mom: That is the 3rd time you told me that. Do you want me to give him a bath?!
_______________________________

On day when my mom was watching Family Feud:
Me: Mom, what was the category?
Mom: You know…something you do…like, what you do to, uh, you know, for the sex.
Me: Okay, that’s enough.
Mom: *Shouting answers*
Me: AAHHHH!! Stop it!
Mom: More answers.
Me: OH MY GOSH! Stop it!
Mom: *Last answer is shown. [Which was "nothing"]. Oh. Nothing? You do nothing if you want to have sex? What’s wrong with these people?
_______________________________

Me: Mom, you’ve known me for almost 24 years now. Well, more cause you carried me in your belly.
Mom: Are you sure? Are you sure about that? Because when you were in my belly you were very quiet and I never had a problem.